


la loi, c'est moi

by MiniNephthys



Category: A Hat in Time (Video Game)
Genre: Courtroom Comedy, Courtroom Drama, Gen, the empress gets dunked on: the fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-10
Updated: 2019-07-10
Packaged: 2020-06-25 16:18:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,499
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19749316
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MiniNephthys/pseuds/MiniNephthys
Summary: For her trial, the Empress pays off every prosecutor alive.  Somehow, this isn't enough.





	la loi, c'est moi

**Author's Note:**

> [Fanart by rukafais.](https://rukafais.tumblr.com/post/190134193106/does-this-count-as-fanart-of-a-fanfic-idk)

The Chief of Police in the metro has long since been… persuaded to turn a blind eye to the Empress’ business. Given how busy the metro is, she’s never had need to extend her claws beyond the city’s borders.

But to pursue someone who knows too much, she’ll go as far as she has to. That so-called “express owl” was dead to rights the moment he crossed her, even if he managed to escape the metro.

When the bird cops come for her, she judges the odds of bribing them versus the costs of having attempted bribery added to her charges. She sighs, finishes cleaning under her nails with a feather, and comes quietly.

* * *

The court won’t tell her who her prosecutor will be, which is sensible when dealing with someone known for throwing money around to get her way. That’s fine, because they’ve clearly underestimated the scope of her influence.

If they don’t tell her what prosecutor she’s dealing with? Then she’ll just have to bribe every prosecutor alive.

Her minions scour registries of lawyers, going as far as Mafia Town or the Alpine Skyline just in case they’ve brought in a prosecutor from out of state. Every one is offered the same deal: throw any cases you have now or ever against the Empress, and you’ll be compensated.

Everyone has their price, and the Empress can match it. Her minions report success in all cases, save for a few where the dissenting opinion had to be… silenced.

As part of proceedings, she’s offered a lawyer to represent her and declines; she can defend herself. A child could defend themself if the prosecutor was on their payroll. And the Empress may be fabulously rich, but she isn’t one to waste money needlessly.

With her innocent verdict assured, she walks into the courtroom with confidence, accompanied by two of her minions for ‘emotional support’. She even shoots a winning smile at the judge, a nervous-looking old heron, as she takes her stand.

The prosecution isn’t even here yet. Maybe they just decided not to come? It’s not a subtle way of throwing the case, but it’s good enough for her needs.

After a minute, she says, “If the prosecution is absent, your Honor, perhaps the court would like to adjourn-”

“FOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL!”

There is now a hole in the courtroom wall, shaped roughly like a noodle with arms. The same noodle with arms that has taken the prosecutor’s place.

The Empress hadn’t sent any of her minions to Subcon. No one leaves that forest, so there’s no reason to enter. Besides, it’s populated entirely by the dead, what use do they have for lawyers?

The judge sighs heavily, having been one of the few to not startle when the Snatcher made his entrance. “You can leave the fine for breaking the walls in the usual place, prosecutor.” The Snatcher just salutes. “The defendant has chosen to represent herself in this case. Is the defense ready?”

Much less so than she was a minute prior, but the Empress is no stranger to putting on a calm mask. “Yes, your Honor.”

“Is the prosecution ready?”

“Born ready! Died ready!” The Snatcher is going to be grinning like that the entire trial, isn’t he.

“Then we may proceed.” The judge clears their throat. “The defendant has been charged with second-degree murder with regards to the death of Crow Agent Winston. How does the defense plead?”

“Not guilty, of course.” No one saw her kill him, and the only ones who saw her pursue him know better than to oppose her. Her paws are clean. Not even an eldritch abomination can prove anything.

“Not guilty, you say. Iiiiinteresting.” The Snatcher shifts shapes into a purple cat. For no other reason than to annoy her, she assumes.

Ff. Let him play his games. “How does a creature like you practice law, Snatcher? Will you work some hocus pocus, share a magical vision of the crime with the court, perhaps?”

“Nah, that’s a waste of effort. The prosecution calls its first witness to the stand!”

The first witness: a cat who pokes his head around Snatcher’s back. “Do I… have to get any closer to her…?”

“You’ll be fine,” the Snatcher says cheerily, while the Empress grits her teeth. “Is she the scariest person in this room?”

Yes, she is! She’s the scariest person in any room! How does her subordinate even dare to testify against her?!

The cat reluctantly takes the stand. “So… um, that guy, said he was an owl but I guess he’s a crow? He was snooping around the boss’s place, and he got into the back somehow… I just saw her chase after him.”

“A fascinating story,” the Empress says. The cat quivers in fear: good. “It’s true that a crow did break into my storehouse, and perhaps I may have been a bit heated in chasing him off. But I certainly didn’t pursue him longer than I had to, or get very close to him. Besides, could you really tell which crow it was? Not to be impolite, but they do all look rather similar.”

The Snatcher, who has been paying more attention to his toe beans than to the Empress, clears his throat. “The prosecution would like to present a piece of evidence.” Out of nowhere, he whips out a black feather. “This feather was found underneath the counter at the defendant’s ‘jewelry store’.” Air quotes included. “Tests match Crow Agent Winston’s feathers. So you must’ve gotten close enough to pluck a feather off, or do more than that~”

“Breaking and entering makes evidence inadmissible in court,” the judge says.

“I’m a paying customer! I was there for perfectly legitimate reasons, not just to screw the defendant over!”

Well, at least he isn’t trying to deny that part. “I don’t know how acquainted you are with birds, prosecutor, but the judge will know that birds shed feathers, particularly when running away from their own wrongdoing.”

“Oh yeah, crows moult every summer, don’t they?” The Snatcher switches to an avian shape, and somehow manages to still appear to be grinning with a beak. “That’d be a perfect explanation, if it weren’t the middle of winter. Or if crows were the type of bird that have a fright moult. If you weren’t completely wrong, you’d be right!”

The Empress bares her fangs. The witness scurries away through the hole in the courtroom wall, and the Empress’ escorts back away from her, but the Snatcher only returns to his usual shape so that he can look even more smug at her. If she were anywhere else, she would claw his face out right now. “Your Honor, does this… entity… even have a license to practice law?”

“Yes,” says the judge, sighing again. “We’ve checked, multiple times.”

Ridiculous. He must have intimidated them, or bought their soul or something. “You’re as qualified a lawyer as I am a jeweler,” she says.

“What you are is guilty,” the Snatcher says. “Unless you have any other defense you’d like for me to shoot down? I’ve got no other cases today, no rush~”

…

Fuck it.

“The defense motions for a recess.”

“The court will adjourn for twenty minutes, during which time repairs will begin on the wall. During this time, the defense is not permitted to leave the building,” the judge replies.

Assuming she’ll run away, huh? That’s not exactly the way out of this she has in mind.

* * *

“I forgot to pay you off beforehand, and that’s on me,” she says. “What’s your price? One of your contracts, I assume.”

The Snatcher gasps in what can only be mock horror. “Why, are you bribing me, a public official? That’s _illegal_ , you know.”

She rolls her eyes. “Yes, yes, flagrant disrespect for the law. What do you want? My soul? My underlings’ souls? I can offer you any number of them.”

“Hmmm… Well, since you’re asking…” He poofs a contract in existence, and she reaches to take it and read it over - never sign anything you haven’t read twice-

-only for the paper to disappear in her paws. “What.”

“I’ll make sure to add attempted bribery to your list of charges! Ahahahaha~!” Cackling, the Snatcher turns back towards the courtroom.

“You.” Shock turns quickly into frustration and a building rage. “You steal souls. You murder anyone who enters your forest. You aren’t even a _person_. No court could convict you, no jail could hold you, you have no _reason_ to deny me!”

“Of course I do.” The Snatcher doesn’t even turn back to look at her. “In my forest, I am the law. But outside of it? Even if I’m a soul-stealing abomination, at least I’m not a criminal. And I hate people who think they can get whatever they want.”

He floats away, and she stares after him for a moment before storming back to her lackeys.

“So, uh, how did it go, boss?”

“Get me a drink if you want to live.”

“R-right away!”


End file.
